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Speaking of dogs, here’s a real pisser that’s been eating away at me for some time. This is actually something most people would probably keep to themselves as some would likely find it to be a tad embarrassing. First, allow me to preface by saying I hate dogs. I fucking hate the noisy flea-ridden walking shit factories, and it’s taking every bit of restraint for me to avoid going on a rant right now for no reason other than the fact that they exist. However I’ll maintain my resolve and stick to the issue at hand.
Last Thursday a friend of mine from work had a death in the family and thus needed to go out of town for a couple of days for the funeral. He approached me asking if I’d look after his dog while he was gone and I said “Oooh, definitely, I’d love to! Almost as much as I’d love to slam my dick in the nearest rusty car door”. I didn’t actually say that but I was just about to do so when suddenly I was struck with an epiphany. There’s that one trick with dogs I’ve overheard guys talk about on various occasions when there weren’t any women around. You know, the ol’ "peanut butter on the balls” shenanigan. So rather than flog him with a retort laced with a rare dose of sarcasm that was uncharacteristically peppered with expletives I immediately said “Yeah, Ok. No problem! It’d be my pleasure, honestly.”
On the way to rendezvousing with my soon to be cat-shit-eating man’s-best-friend, I stopped off at a local grocer and picked up a gallon sized bucket of the pureed groundnut legume paste which dogs apparently cannot resist. Looking back on this, I would have been better off simply envisioning the non-stop wild weekend I thought I was about to experience and left it at that. For, sadly, as it turned out, despite my enthusiasm success was not to be.
At this point allow me to interject by saying that urban legend is typically just that as I was once again thoroughly disappointed with the outcome of yet another theory I had put to the test. And I suppose ultimately it’s my own fault for having such high expectations but just as soon as I began slathering this dog’s balls with peanut butter he instantly went to licking it off like a starving fat kid trying to devour a rapidly melting ice cream cone. I’m like, “Hey, hold on a sec, damn it! Let me finish- I don’t have adequate coverage- This-, Shit!! This isn’t supposed to be your moment!” Needless to say the issue went back and forth for a while, with me trying desperately to rationalize and him growling and nipping at my ears, etcetera. Ultimately I said “Fuck it! Here, take the whole damn thing. Hope you choke on it!”
So we’re driving back from the vet’s office after this filthy heap of putrescence nearly asphyxiated himself and I remember thinking that this really could prove to be my undoing. Fortunately we arrived back at my apartment just before my buddy returned from out of town to retrieve his disagreeable fuckin’ mutt. When I gave back the remainder of the supplies I was left with he reacts with astonishment. “That’s weird,” he says. “Roscoe barely touched his food. ‘Awwww, wussuh mattuh big feh-wuh. Did you miss your daddy?’” I played along not wanting to go into extensive detail about having spent my entire weekend cleaning up after his stinking ass. That fuckin’ son-of-a-bitch could have shat peanut butter through a stack of screen doors without touching a single wire. And judging from the smug look on his furry fuckin’ face he enjoyed every moment of it. Lessons learned?

A. Know who your friends are.

B. Peanut butter is NOT conducive to a dog’s healthy digestive system. And finally,

C. If you’re not double-jointed like Roscoe and all his other damn canine cousins you might as well tell Peter Pan to go fuck himself because I ain’t doin’ that shit… anymore.

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A brief follow up: I ran this narrative by my therapist thinking it might help me gain some closure. I'm not a hundred percent certain but judging from her reaction I may have been a bit confused about the actual premise of the theory I was attempting to test. As it turns out, the peanut butter wasn't meant to go on the dog's balls, which actually helps to explain quite a bit regarding the chaotic manner by which the situation played out. Unfortunately, the scenario that was initially only a slight embarrassment for me has now become downright awkward. On a somewhat unrelated note, if anyone knows the number for a good therapist, I might have to be in the market for a new one.

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Yup. See, I am not a dog person either (though I have managed to learn how to impersonate one for the good of my friends and family who are) but my best buddy in high school had familiarized me with the peanut butter trick and ~ had you asked me ~ I could have set you straight before your little experiment gone wrong with Roscoe.
Who's a good boy?

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